THE EGYPSY'S TRAVELOGUE

This will be a new column/feature on The Egypsy Speaks: The Egypsy's Travelogue. Guess what it's about. Yes, The Egypsy's travels. In other words I dig sharing my photos. And the places I've been. No telling when I'll post on the travelogue, but since there are a few of you die-hard Egypsy fans, I feel I owe it to you...or you owe it to me...
In any case in the PAST PERFECT post you will see the first installment of The Egypsy's Travelogue. I hope you enjoy it.
Thanks,
The Egypsy Has Spoken (and traveled)!

Photos: TheEgypsy

PAST PERFECT

"Is that all there is? If that's all there is my friends; then let's keep dancing…" You might remember that song from Peggy Lee. My mother used to tell me as a tween that that was my theme song. Unfortunately, it's followed me to adulthood.

I've just come back from a trip to London, Paris and Brussels and while the trip was both a whirlwind and astounding at times, there was something missing. Some of my longtime dreams were fulfilled on that trip and I got to visit places I'd only dreamed of: the Roman Baths at Bath, England, Stonehenge, and an unexpected joy in seeing Salisbury Cathedral—definitely my favorite so far! And therein lays my Theme Song.

The sites that I've fantasized about seeing for so long were just a wee bit…deficient. Not that they weren't beautiful or historic or simply astonishing—they were to the max. Riding the Euro Star has to be the best way of traveling Europe, at least for us. My only complaint about the Tube in London is that it has so many stairwells to climb it nearly amounted to torture for one who needs a knee replacement and soon. Still, there really isn't anywhere you can't get to in London that's as efficient! But even with all that, I was a tiny bit let down.

"What the hell is my problem?" I asked myself. "I should be fainting from ecstasy." I thought about it as the landscapes changed back to Britain from France and Belgium. It wasn't a bad trip, it wasn't disappointing. So what was is that niggled at the back of my brain? What was it that I yearned for as we emerged from the Chunnel back into the magical land of England? What was it that pulled at me as I stared at the place where I could believe in Merlin and King Arthur, in fairies and Elves, in all manner of Fey along with the stunning real history of this place?

It hit me. The history was what was missing. I'd read about these places, nay, made an obsession of them. I knew much about the Romans coming to Britain and creating the famous baths. I'd grown up with Stonehenge; I'd grown up with Shakespeare's MacBeth, Julius Caesar, and A Midsummer Night's Dream, stories of Fey and everything from Sarum to Salisbury and all in between.

But they weren't there. I'd loved the country, the people, and the sheer history of it all. But those historical people weren't there; I'd been fantasizing backward. I guess somewhere in my obsessive mind I thought they would be; alive and well and doing historical things. I wanted to see those serfs, those knights those kings and queens who wrote history with their words and actions. I wanted to see fairies dancing in waters and Elves teaching Men how to be honorable. I wanted to see those Romans bathing and not just for prurient enjoyment. No, I wanted to see them, hear them watch them make that history in Britain, Rome, and the Western World as we know it.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I take my history a little too seriously or maybe I just live in a fantasy past. Maybe I've studied too long and too deep. Or maybe I'm just nuts…probably.

In any case the only way I can bring those people to life is to do so in story. Maybe that's why I write fiction. It's that yearning desire to see and connect with those people I've imagined for so long. Maybe that's what all historians and archaeologists yearn for; that connection with the people whose personalities shaped the world we now live in. Perhaps they longed to see us too; to see who and what we've become, what we've learned to do, what we've created that will affect those who live after us. We may not be able to see it, that thread of history that runs through us all: those who've come before, those of us here now, and those of us to come, but we all feel it regardless of the time passed or time yet to come. All in all, I'm still grateful that I got to see what is left of our past connection even if I wasn't able to see the ghosts who walked there.

Photos: The Egypsy

Time To Get Your Dream On

First of all, since people refuse to stop following this ancient blog, I feel the onus of having to actually create a post for it. So, because people have things they hate to do, as in errands, I thought I'd ask you to fantasize a little with me. Let's pretend we all have pounds and pounds of money and we can afford to hire help to do those annoying, aggravating chores that we'd like to ignore but in no way can.

Now I don't care how you fantasize you obtained all this money; unless you did so illegally but that's another fantasy altogether. Just pretend you have it, okay? Don't make things difficult.

What is it you would love to hire someone to do for you on a regular basis and sexual activities are prohibited—I know you—anyway there has to be something you despise to do.

I'll start.  I loathe and detest grocery shopping. Oddly, I adore cooking. In fact I love cooking for large amounts of people as well as myself and one other. But if I see one more broccoli floret I'll scream. I've been banned from more than a few stores for doing just that. Well, okay I did rant and rave about the horrible inedible produce loudly to anyone near enough to hear and possibly be as disgusted as me.

I don't mind cooking, cleaning, laundry—the whole housewifey thing—at all. I love it at times. But that grocery shopping drudgery I'd give up in a nanosecond. I fantasize (all the time mind you) that I write out a list or lists for breakfasts, lunches, dinners (and hopefully dinner parties) and hand them off to an "assistant" who can both size up an onion and be back in under four hours. Hey, I expect a lot of competence and discernment at the cash register or preferably before.

Okay I've confessed. What about you? What is that one thing you'd love to make someone else do for you? Don't be shy. There's gotta be something—taking out the garbage? Washing the car? Cleaning the windows (I actually enjoy that too), what is it?

If you're going to follow The Egypsy, you'd better be prepared to participate. I don't do this for fun. I do it because you won't leave me alone.

Get your damned dream on and get with the program!

The Egypsy Has Spoken

Sitcoms--What Works and What Doesn't

Since this blog only gets occasional follower adds (it reads 3 but I've got a gazillion notices of followers) I only occasionally post here. I kind of keep it as a sort of dust bin of posts that don't really belong anywhere else but I want to rant or postulate on some random subject. Today I feel like the big P. 
So, we're going to talk. Rather, I'm going to talk and you're going to read. And if you don't I'll find out about that too. That line is from Seinfeld and the correct and much better line is given by J. Peterman to Elaine and it really is about twenty years ahead of it's time:
"Oh, and if you are undead, I'll find out about that too." delivered flawlessly by John O'Hurley.
And of course that got me thinking about sitcoms and what works and what doesn't.
First off what does work: settings in apartments or houses with multiple residents. 
Now I could ramble off unlimited pilots and successfully established television shows over the decades since radio performances morphed into television but let me just list a few:
Seinfeld
Golden Girls
Cosby
and the new and hilarious Raising Hope.
Why do they work?
Because they're a microcosm of real life, shown in all its sanity and insanity. As in, truth is funnier than reality. And skewed truth is the funniest of all. There are so many great lines that stick with people and if they don't they should. 
Simple lines are best: Rose Nyland of Golden Girls being prepped for meeting the President:
Presidential Aide: "Do you support the overthrow of the government by force or violence?"
Rose: "Violence!"
Plus there are the characters who are both constant and have developed personalities. You could rarely mistake Rose Nyland for Blanche Devereaux or Sophia Petrillo and I don't mean height either.
Seinfeld has the same qualities.
Not one of the four characters could possibly be mistaken for the others. 
And yet that is not the main reason why sitcoms fly or fail.
Guess what it is.
SETTING.
Almost all successful, beloved sitcoms are set in homes and or apartments. Think about it:
Seinfeld
Friends
Golden Girls
Again, Cosby.
You have the continuity and relatability of the same characters that you can grow to love (or hate).
What doesn't work?
HOTELS. 
With the exception of Fawlty Towers which succeeded by the sheer virtue of the talent and writing, nearly if not all, sitcoms set in a hotel have either failed dismally or fizzled out slowly. And for the reasons listed above.
No real sense of continuity, many of the funniest characters come and go as hotel guests, not residents. Those who are stable characters must deal with a constantly changing cast and plot lines. While it might not be boring, it's not identifiable. People don't live in hotels unless  they're luxury suites in major cities. Most of the time hotel rooms are simply functional. You're squeezed into a small room with one or two beds, a bathroom,  TV with nothing really watchable on it, desk, chest of drawers, and a table and chair by the window. That's how I picture hotels where the lobby is more comfortable than my room. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that's your memory too.
Speaking of lobbies, most of the time, as gorgeous as they can be, they're impersonal unlike a home or apartment. Home is where you live. Hotels are where you stay on occasion. Once more, impersonal and uncomfortable. Think Who's The Boss. People live together in myriad ways either with family, friends, or live-in help. 
In a hotel setting, besides the main 4-6 characters, they have to deal with help: cooks, maids, generally unknown people unless there's a romance or other subplot. Then again, those people have to become regulars or what's the point? Where's the resolution? What happens to that lesser character? They might have great lines but unless they become a regular, who cares really?
It's like a huge unmanageable dirigible. And even then, I think that might have a regular cast of character too that regularly interact with each other as the blimp meanders over nations, oceans, mountains but that's another sitcom plot and I think it's a little Steampunkish as well not to mention a worn out sci-fi plot too. AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF STEALING THIS IDEA. Like J. Peterman said, "If you try, I'll find out about that too."
The Egypsy Has Spoken.

Martin, I knew you could do it!

A few years ago I ragged on Martin Scorsese for making mainly violent and sexually explicit films. With HUGO he has made me eat my words! Well, actually, he finally made me proud! I knew he could do it; I knew if he tried, being the great directorial talent he is, that he could break away from that overused mold and give us something wonderful! And he has. 
See Martin? I knew you had it in ya'! 
What I can't understand is how Brad Pitt got nominated and Leo DiCaprio didn't! What goes on here?!? Perhaps it's just because everyone expects Leo to kick ass in every role he takes on. Who knows? I certainly don't. Well, taking into account campaigning...don't get me started on that...
What's surprising to me is how uninterested I am in this year's Oscars ceremony. Strange considering that some damned great films and performances were given in this class. I think I'm just plain burnt out on Hollywood. When I get more excited about the arrangement of the song "Hooray For Hollywood" than who's winning what, I think that's a safe assumption. Or maybe it's just because everyone's being so damned civil. Oh no, am I going to start demanding graphic sex and violence? Help me Martin, help me!
Okay enough blabbering from The Egypsy.
Hey, I only do it once a year...just like the Academy...
The Egypsy Has Spoken.

The Summer(s) of GaGa

What a year it's been!
I like to call it The Summer of GaGa that began last year and hasn't lost steam yet! I can't help it I love her outfits. That's what I would have been wearing in high school if they had been around then. The closest to her style back then I guess would be Bob Mackie designing for Cher. Ah, well.
In any case aside from the meat get up (what a waste of dinners!) I think she's decked out better than Madonna could ever be. And I'm a sucker for a hook. No, not meat hook, get over it already. I'm talking "no matter how much you hate it, that song chorus sticks in your mind forever" hook--probably like the one that drove Schumann mad --and 20 years from now, you'll be singing along with your car (radio? CD? MP3? Direct plug-in from the station to your brain?) audio as if you've loved the song forever--trust me it will happen! Think BeeGees...
Then there was my constant haranguing you on Twitter over 30 Seconds To Mars' version of Bad Romance which has to be one of the best covers I've heard in...well at least a decade or two...(listen I owned my first record at two and a half-no damned joke) and then there's The Pretty himself singing it which doesn't hurt the suggestive lyric re-write either! Hey, they had their own more than risque' video "Hurricane"--Talk about a Baaad Romance!
But without a doubt, without a doubt my lovelies, my absolute favorite bit of entertainment was when one wonderful soul sent me the YouTube video of The Wood Spider (check it out here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRfoSlH4QcI ) which will give me endless hours of pleasure for mostly likely the rest of my life. I'm a simpleton simple person.
I crapped out on seeing movies this year. Just wasn't interested for some reason...like busy with my own projects...and the premises just sounded better than what the trailers showed.
I think this last year was also the year I first heard of and watched the cult film "Spider Baby" a real creepy crawlie of a movie...hmm Wood Spider, Spider Baby...maybe it should have been The Summer of Spiders...eek, never been a fan.
Oh, I could go on and on but I'm sure I've lost your short attention span by now and I'm close to losing mine so it's a safe bet to end it here.
Perhaps I'll introduce a poll or two or some other fun little app for you. Perhaps not.
In any case, I'll be back again never fear. I've tried to quit this blog since 2005 and haven't been able to give it up yet. That's because I can bitch and rant and rave on any number of unimportant subjects and laugh at you as I do it!
Hey, it keeps me off the streets. (Oh, yeah, like I could make money from that...)

The Egypsy Has Spoken.

Future Imperfect Book Two:Miraculous Deception

Book Two Future Imperfect: Miraculous Deception (to the left, to the left!) is available now via Desert Breeze Publishing, Amazon.com & barnesandnoble.com! If you liked Book One: Crucifying Angel this is the next in the series and picks up where CA leaves off. Here's a little teaser for ya!

Gavin and Nick sat in Charlie's office, silent, shamefaced, bruised and most definitely


hostile. The chief of police paced back and forth around his desk, beyond angry.

"Look at you -- both of you. You're like a couple of bruised up kindergarteners. I don't

know what to say. I have never -- never -- had two detectives fighting each other like two drunks

outside a bar. What the hell is the matter with you?"

Neither man answered.

"Nick?" Charlie waited.

"It's this asshole. He moves into Payce house and immediately starts boinking Amy

Strand from Channel Eight."

Gavin opened his mouth to respond but never got the chance.

"You brought the press into this?" Charlie stared at Gavin, round-eyed.

"Well, not in so many words..." Gavin pressed two fingers against his black eye. "It was

just, sort of... bad judgment. Besides that, nothing ha--"

"Bad judgment? I'll tell you what bad judgment is, McAllister. Bad judgment was the

damned day I hired you."

Gavin said nothing. What could he say?

"That's putting it mildly,' Nick snorted. "Payce--"

"Whoa." Charlie held up an open palm. "I don't want to know what weird triangle you

three have going here, though it's a safe bet Payce has no idea what's going on--"

"She doesn't," Gavin said in a tired voice. His eye began to ache.

"You made damn sure of that you British fu--"

"Nick!" Charlie said. "Enough already. Now, because of the scarcity of budget and

personnel, I am not going to suspend you both or fire you -- which I should -- I am going to let

you both off, each with a written warning." Charlie sat down behind his desk. "You two are

going to have to work this out or I will fire you both and I'll make damn sure you won't be able to

get a job as a security guard in a parking lot. Do you understand me?"

"We're still partners?" Nick deflated a little. Gavin understood the feeling.

"Yes. I can't think of a better punishment for the both of you. You can work it out or

resign. That's your choice now boys. You are dismissed. Get out of my office." Charlie ignored

them swiveling his chair around to gaze out his window at the rapidly rotting city of Las Vegas.
 

*****

Now, if you liked that, guess what!?! Yes, it's another book! Only this time I co-authored it with my sister, Loni Emmert and it's a mystery as opposed to a thriller! I'll be posting an excerpt from that the first chance I get !
In the mean time babies, feel free to up my self esteem by leaving a comment.
The Egypsy Has Spoken!